and thee shall bite my cosmic dust
by Gingerninjaunicorn
Summary: Once Upon a Time, Ianto Jones and Eliza Murray were two Welsh kids from the wrong side of the tracks. And then a blue box fell out of the sky and everything changed. Warning: crack attempting to take itself seriously.


**A/N: Hello, I'm back. And a bit loopy. TW/ DW crossover, yay! And I have plans for this. Such epic plans.  
Anyway, I don't Torchwood or Doctor Who, obviously. **

ONE: the blue box

On an estate not so very far away, there were two houses. That itself is not completely amazing or extraordinary, but the two houses, which reside side-by-side, house to very extraordinary people.  
In one house are the Jones'. The Jones' are completely ordinary, so ordinary they are in fact extraordinary.  
Mr Jones was a debt collector, a tough-as-nails man with lots of tattoos. Rhiannon Jones was eighteen and five months pregnant, and Ianto Jones was fifteen and had a talent for picking pockets.  
In the other house lived Mrs Candle. Mrs Candle was a widower, and she took in foster children. Her current foster child was a girl, who was fourteen, and had an attitude problem.  
Ianto Jones and the foster child – who shall remain unnamed for now – were as close as either had ever had to a 'friend' – they shoplifted together, and the unnamed foster child taught Ianto to smoke cigarettes properly, and later taught him to snog properly (but that is a story for another day), but most importantly Ianto and the unnamed foster child came across a blue box.  
When I say 'came across' I mean it crashed out of the sky and landed in front of them, skidded along for a bit and then stood still.  
Ianto and the unnamed foster child were unsurprisingly surprised, and the foster child ran up to the blue box, cigarette dropping out of her mouth, as the blue box burst open and a man stumbled out.  
He was tall and skinny and wore a tight blue suit.  
"I inhaled my sonic screwdriver!" he yelled, and then passed out onto the grass at the foster child's feet.

XX

The Doctor was always full of ideas. Sometimes good ones, sometimes bad ones, but taking on a troop of warships full of aliens trying to destroy Earth (what was it with aliens and trying to destroy Earth?) with nothing but his faithful TARDIS and his sonic screwdriver was a bad idea. No, not just a bad idea, a Bad Idea. And if it had capital letters, it had to be bad.  
So now he was hurtling through time and space, crashing, and he had inhaled his sonic screwdriver. How he had managed to do that was a mystery to even him, but he could feel it blocking his windpipe, and then the TARDIS crashed to the ground. The Doctor burst out and was met briefly by two teenagers, and he managed to shout, "I inhaled my sonic screwdriver!" before passing out, and when he woke he was on his back on scratchy grass looking up at a cloudy sky.  
"He's awake," said a voice above him, and a silhouette blocked out part of the sky. A silhouette that was holding a very familiar object.  
"Give me back my sonic screwdriver," said the Doctor. "I love my sonic screwdriver. And I inhaled it. How did you get it?"  
"Oi, Taz!" called a voice, and the Doctor sat up to see a dark-haired boy with a button nose poke his head out of the TARDIS, and the doctor was able to mime his next words. "It's bigger on the inside!"  
"What?" the silhouette that had been standing over him, presumably 'Taz'. "Let's see."  
Welsh. They both spoke with Welsh accents. So he was probably in Wales. That was good. He liked Wales.  
As he thought about Wales, the two teenagers had slipped into the TARDIS, and the Doctor, still slightly dizzy from his fall, scrambled after them.  
They were standing in the centre of the TARDIS, back to back, expressions of awe and shock and confusion on their faces.  
The girl was slightly younger than the boy, both dark haired but fairly obviously not related. The boy was angel-faced and pretty; the girl was scrawny and weedy, bordering on ugly and the Doctor hoped for her sake she'd grow into her looks as she grew up. Right now, the boy was looking awed and dazed, and the girl simply delighted.  
"Oh, this is brilliant," she said. "Really brilliant. How's it work?"  
"Magic," said the Doctor, making them jump as he spoke from right beside them. "Give me back my sonic screwdriver."  
When neither moved, he rolled his eyes and grabbed it from her, slipping in inside his jacket and making his way to the console of the TARDIS and assessing the TARDIS.  
"She needs to fix herself," the Doctor muttered to himself, then turned and grabbed the arms of the two teenagers, pulling them from the TARDIS as she closed her doors behind them.  
"But that's not – that's not possible!" the boy kept saying.  
"I think you'll find that is it," said the Doctor.  
"Well who are you, then?" the girl asked, turning toward him. "And why did you cough up a sonic whatsit when you passed out?"  
"I'm the Doctor," he replied. "And I inhaled it, why else did you think?"  
"Why'd you inhale it?"  
"I didn't _mean _to," the Doctor insisted, pouting. "Who are you then?"  
"Eliza Murray," answered the girl promptly.  
"Er – Ianto Jones," said the boy, glancing at the girl in slight confusion. The Doctor shrugged it off, because humans, especially human teenagers, were really odd creatures.  
"Well, Ianto Jones, Eliza Murray, you two go off home and never, ever speak of his to anyone, ok? Good."  
That's when the first bomb fell out of the sky. Fortunately for them (not so much for the daisy bush that the bomb landed on) its aim was off. Nonetheless, the Doctor and the two teenagers were thrown off their feet, and when all three had risen (Eliza Murray with a gash across her forehead from a flying shard of shrapnel) the Doctor sighed. It was one of _those_ days. He grabbed both teenager's hands, yelled "Run!" and began to drag them away from the ratty little park he'd crash landed in, and to safety.  
Wherever that was.

X

Ianto ran. So did the Doctor – whoever he really was – and Taz (or 'Eliza' as she had called herself), but Ianto sprinted like the hounds of hell themselves were after him. His natural flight-or-fight reflex had kicked in, and he was running. But his saving people thing had also kicked in, and he was clinging to Taz's hand, pulling her along.  
"Where are we going?" Taz was yelling at the Doctor, who replied almost happily, "No idea! Keep running!"  
So they did.  
They ran until the bombs had stopped falling, and then they fell, exhausted against the high brick wall in the alley way they'd ended up in.  
"What the hell were they?" asked Taz, her voice cracking. Ianto winced; Taz was a smoker, and all that running could not have been kind on her.  
"Alien bombs," the Doctor said, sounding much less out of breath. Ianto was panting hard, and he was a seasoned runner himself, both on the school track team and in dark alleyways with his shirt stuffed full of stolen goods.  
"My fault, sorry," the Doctor continued. "I thought I'd wiped out their entire fleet. Apparently not. Sorry."  
"Apology accepted," Ianto said automatically. "Hang on, what? Aliens?"  
"Oh, yes, aliens. I hope the bombs didn't get anyone. They weren't very big bombs, so I don't think so. More importantly, I hope my TARDIS is ok."  
"What the hell are you?" Taz asked, running a hand through her hair to push it away from her face, glaring at the Doctor.  
"The Doctor."  
"The Doc –"  
"Yes, the Doct – oh, dear."  
A metallic spaceship had just descended through the clouds and landed on the road not fifty metres away.  
One of _those_ days in deed.

X

Taz didn't know just yet why she'd called herself Eliza. It was a good name, really, and unlike Ianto she wasn't going to go round introducing herself to mad men in police boxes that fell out of the sky and were bigger on the inside.  
And when the bombs started raining down she'd run, the sting from the cut on her forehead encouraging her to go faster, not to let go of Ianto's hand, despite the burn in her lungs and she resolved to give up smoking.  
And when the spaceship landed (landed, not fell, unlike that crazy blue box), Taz decided that the universe really must hate her, because a red light shone from the dome-like ship, and they shone right on her.  
Her feet carried her forward, toward the ship, of their own accord. The Doctor started muttering under his breath frantically, trying to pull her back, and Ianto called her name (her proper name, she'd have to smack him for that later) but her feet weren't listening to anyone but themselves, and started running (more running, really?) toward the ship as a hatch slid open and what looked like a walking sofa hobbled out.  
No, really, a walking sofa. It was brown and leathery and vaguely sofa-shaped, and Taz blinked a couple of times and shouted for Ianto.  
Wonderful, brave Ianto, who ran forward and placed himself in between Taz and the lumbering sofas, who had started hobbling surprisingly menacingly toward Taz, what looked like arms rising from the leathery blobs of their bodies, arms holding what appeared to be star-trek issue lazar guns.  
"What?" said Taz aloud, but no one seemed to hear her. They were all too focused on being heroic (Ianto, bless him) being downright wrong (the sofa-things) and being useless (the Doctor).  
"Oi, let her go!" Ianto yelled, gesturing to Taz's feet, which were still trying to drag her toward the ship. There was no response, save for the Doctor running forward, the sonic whatsit in his hands, and he pointed it at the blue sight, severing it. Eliza stumbled, but Ianto caught her, and when she was steady she didn't let go of his hand, clutching it as the Doctor yelled at the sofa-things in a language Ianto (who knew everything) didn't recognise.  
And the sofa replied. The Doctor nodded, and then he turned to Taz and Ianto, said simply, "And again!" before seizing their hands once more, and the trio sprinted off.

X

"Why's this place so empty? I mean, there's no one around!"  
The Doctor and his two teenage friends (he liked to think of those he dragged along on his crazy adventures 'friends') were once again hiding in an alley way.  
"Oh, I don't know, maybe they're all hiding in their bathrooms since a bunch of bombs just blew up and a sofa started shooting lazars," Eliza hissed (actually, the Doctor was beginning to think wasn't her real name, judging by the fact Ianto kept calling her Taz, and just once 'Tansy').  
"You're sarcastic. I don't like sarcasm," the Doctor mused, peering around the corner to the street, which was still completely empty.  
"Who exactly are you again?" Ianto demanded. "What were those things? What language was that?"  
"I'm the Doctor, and those were aliens, and it was an alien language. Honestly, humans can be so slow sometimes."  
"What would aliens want with Earth?" asked Ianto as Eliza (or Taz, or whoever she was) muttered something undoubtedly sarcastic and/or threatening under her breath, as the Doctor tilted his head.  
"Salt."  
"Salt?"  
"Salt. See, that particular species is from a planet where salt is a delicacy. And also doesn't occur. At all. And where do you find the finest salt in the universe? Here. So instead of quietly harvesting salt like all the other species, they decided to come take over the world. And they're going to kill and enslave all humans, which isn't good news for you."  
"Sorry, but how do you know all this?" Eliza snapped, "And how do we know we can trust you? You could just be some madman."  
"I am a madman. But it's the truth, and if we're going to save the human race you need to listen to me. I have a plan."  
Ten minutes (three of the spent sprinting for their lives) later, the Doctor, Eliza and Ianto were in position. Or actually, The Doctor was marching out onto the road where the sofa-things (Zork, the Doctor had called them) were rounding up terrified looking humans, and the Doctor was shouting at the Zork in their odd, tongue-twisting language, and Ianto and Eliza, in possession of one sonic screwdriver, were sneaking up behind the dome ship, searching for a certain panel.  
Meanwhile, the Doctor was doing what he did best: being idiotic and heroic, and annoying aliens.  
"So, boys," he shouted in his halting Zorkak (he'd never quite gotten the hang of that language) "What brings you idiots to Earth today? Hang on, don't shoot, wrong word. The thing with the salt's a bit extreme, isn't it?"  
And so he continued in that manner as Taz and Ianto were sonicking open a panel at the back of the dome ship. And when it was open, Taz reached in and pulled something out. A pulsating blue bundle of something, and Ianto held the sonic screwdriver in shaking hands and pressed the button just like the Doctor had showed him, and the ball glowed red as an inhuman shriek was heard from where the Doctor was babbling at the Zork, and the leathery creatures fled back into their dome, abandoning the terrified people, and the gloating Doctor, and the crafty teenagers, still holding the pulsating red ball, as they flew back to the stars.

X

Later, the Doctor and his two accomplices walked through the rubble of the explosions. UNIT had showed up, telling everyone it was a terrorist attack by an extremist group who'd dressed up in funny costumes, and the humans, so desperate for a logical explanation, had excepted it.  
Except for two. Eliza, the cut on her forehead still trickling blood, and Ianto, who twisted the red ball in his hands, walked alongside the Doctor, both smiling despite the circumstances.  
"So when you exposed the Globe to sonic radiation, the sweet music – which is a really weird thing to have on a spaceship, a music box that's tuned into their brainwaves - it usually sung to the Zorks tuned to a high-pitched shrieking they can't stand. So they ran. And we can't hear the shrieking, but it's fairly loud, and so as long as that remains safe on Earth they won't come back. Isn't it brilliant?" the Doctor beamed. "And you two, Eliza Murray and Ianto Jones, you two saved the world."  
"And no one will ever know," said Eliza faintly, but she was smiling.  
"You know, the TARDIS has fixed herself," the Doctor said carefully. "And I was wondering if you two would fancy a trip?"  
"Into space?"  
"And time. It's a time machine too, you see. So?"  
"Yes," said Eliza immediately, and Ianto was a second behind her.  
And so the Doctor and his newest companions slid into the TARDIS, and took a trip to time and space, leaving the pulsating red Globe buried under a tree.

**NEXT TIME: the doctor, ianto and eliza stumble across a tiny town where the people are being turned into silver beings with one mission: find 'Target One'. Upon the trio's arrival at the sleepy town, the silver people declare the Doctor 'Target One' – but is he, or is it a case of mistaken identity? And who are Lakely and Teddy, two locals who seem to know too much? **

**A/N: tell me honestly if this is rubbish. **

**-GNU xx**


End file.
